Remembrance

To the man I love. . .

Before I forget everything, here’s our story. . . In case I have really forgotten everything, at least I’ve written something that would remind me of the sweet memories. . . Here it goes. . .

It started in the year 2005 when an ordinary young lady with not a care in the world meets young man who had a carefree and happy life. . . (Class scene) First day of class, I was f*ckin late. What was I thinking?! I entered the room on the fourth floor where the class was already going on. I sat to the last line on the back of the class since I was late. What I didn’t know is that he is sitting right next to my seatmate, R. I didn’t notice him. But he did. He had a crush on me the first time he saw me. Then he tried to know my name. On one of our classes that day, we introduced ourselves, then from there, he knew my name. (stalker much? :p) Then days passed, he introduced himself with us: Judith and Leah. He was with his barkada that time. And introduced themselves with us. But when I learned that he has crush on me and when they started teasing us, that is when I felt ilang na with him. I never talked to him. But he got my number from I-don’t-know-who ( but whoever he/she was, thanks to him/her. Haha). That is how our friendship started. We texted, knew each other better thru text. But would you believe we are not talking personally in school? (Kasi nga, I’m naiilang :]) He even named his rabbit D.

UST Paskuhan, I was mad at him for telling untrue stories. I just learned from M that he told him/her that I kissed him. I was really mad at him that time. And so when Paskuhan came, we were not ok. He asked M to accompany you to buy a bear (peace offering?) So there, the birth of R*****a. I was mad at you. But when I saw the bear, it was white and really cute. I loved it, and I hugged it so tightly. I gradually lost my anger to you. (but not because of the bear)

January 2006 came, just before his birthday, he had the courage to go to my dorm and talk to me personally. At first, I thought he was joking, because I know he can’t. He’s too shy to do it. But I was just surprised to see him with M in my dorm. So it felt like our first time again to talk with each other. I still felt kinda ilang. Good thing M was there. Then day(s) after his birthday, he drank with his co-choir members. I was too naive that time and I just hate someone who drinks. I hated him for that. Then after knowing that I didn’t like it, he was like “sorry... sorry.” He kept on saying sorry and promised never to drink again (but it wasn’t true :( Cause I just knew that he still continued drinking).

Anyway, that’s how our love story started. Although, I just learned that the time he had crush on me, he was still in a relationship with C. :[ (he is a history. He also had done that twice with me :[)

When vacation came, he almost gave up his love for me. Because he thought that everything that is doing was not worth it, because he can’t win me. But then, when he gave up, he still went back because he said that he really love me and that he can’t live without me.

On our 2^nd year as College students, that started our closeness (even closer and personally.) That was the time that he usually visits me or accompanies me on my way to dorm. He even stayed hours in our dorm just to be with me. But he said that he was not courting me (because I told him I’m not ready yet.) Our bonding grew stronger and we knew each other better.

He went to my debut in Bulacan, but he just got jealous with P who was teased with me and kissed me on the cheek. I was really sorry. I said sorry a million times but he seemed really hurt. But anyway, after that we became fine still. But that was also the time that we started fighting for every occasion: birthday, Christmas, new year etc

The day of Paskuhan, we both attended Misa de Gallo in UST. So, since 4am up to Paskuhan, we were together. That was 4 am to 11 pm, man (I think.)

Before the school year ended, that was the time I was telling him that I love him too. But that was unofficially us (but later on, we decided to make our monthsary February 16.)

April or March of 2007, I was having my autocad class at SM Manila. But since the time that I was held up, he started picking me up there. (and I wanna thank him for those times. For the time that I felt I really have a boyfriend :] and I wanna thank him too, for hugging me tight after learning that I was held up. That hug just made me felt secured and it somehow eased my fear that time.)

On our third year, our class got dissolved. The only class we were together was Cad. When we had our fight, we didn’t talk with each other. But when I can’t tiis him, I still teach him how to do the cad. (haha, Am I sweet? :])

Our retreat in Antipolo was just awesome. Not because of the experience but because of the time we spent together. We didn’t have so much time to go to the vicinity because he was too lazy to stand up and walk. I remember that I even got pissed with him for not enjoying the place and staying at the room the whole day. He was alone in our room because I left him. But after a few chats and eating, I went to the room and brought pizza for him (sweet :])

On the second sem, he took some of his subjects in our section. We were seatmates in Theology. So everyone knows when we are having fight because there is a space between our seats if we are not in good terms. Haha. A would usually tease us when he knew that we are not ok. And with his tease, we usually got to laugh and just compromise.

Vigan was also memorable. We were seatmates in the bus. So we literally spent sooo much time on the bus together. Then, Valentines came, but we had a fight too that day. He didn’t make that day special.

(to be continued...)

Never thought

Never thought I'm gonna feel this miserable. Wala na natira sakin. Binigay ko naman lahat. Para hindi sya mawala, para masave ang relationship na to. Ang dami ko regrets. Sa mga sinabi at pinafeel nya sakin, para akong walang kwentang girlfriend.

Minsan naiisip ko, siguro nung time na kami pa, ako lang talaga yung naging masaya. Ako lang yung nag-enjoy. Ako lang yung talagang naging masaya. Sya ba? Pag ba nagjojoke ako masaya ba sya? Masaya din ba sya pag tumatawa ako? Pag natatawa ako sa kababawan namin, ganun din ba talaga nafefeel nya?

Selosa ako. Oo. Totoo yan. Sa dami ng nagfflirt sa kanya. Di nya makita ang motibo. Alam ko naman. Sinasabi nya hindi sya nagfflirt (kasi yun ang iniisip nya, ang hindi nya alam dahil sa nageenjoy sya pag finiflirt sya, sya mismo nagiging flirt na din). Bakit kailangan mapatunayan pa lahat. Katulad na lang ni L.M. Obvious flirt at malandi ang babae. Sumama sa Subic sa mga bagong kakilalang lalake. At mga hindi pa nya schoolmate. Anong klaseng babae yun? Masasabi ba nya na matino yun? Ayan, napatunayan, gusto nga sya. Kailangan ba patunayan pa yung mga ganung bagay? Di ba pwedeng maniwala ka na lang sa girlfriend mo? Hindi ka naniwalang malandi yung babae. Eh ano ba sya ngayon? Diba buntis? Di pa alam nung una kung sino nakabuntis. Siguro sa dami na din ng gumamit sa kanya. Tapos ngayong alam nyo na na ganyan nga sya, puro kamanyakan na kinukwento nya. Mandiri ka naman! Matuto ka pumili ng kaibigan mo. Si S.S. naman, pa-bes bes pa. Utot mo! Pano kayo naging magbestfriend sa ilang sandaling panahong nagkakilala kayo. Alam ko. Inaassume nyan na magkakatuluyan kayo. Kasi nga mag"bestfriend" kayo. Eh diba iba na meaning ng bestfriend ngayon. Kailangan pa maghintay, para lang mapatunayan ang ganyang bagay.

Ikaw? Di ka ba flirt? Akala mo lang yun. Nilalandi mo nga ang mga babae ngayon. Yan ba talaga ang buhay na gusto mo? Ikaw ang bahala. Di sa inaaway kita. Pero R, ang totoo, flirt ka din. Gusto mo din yung mga attention na binibigay sayo ng girls. Ang sakit, R. Ang sakit. Sobrang sakit.

R, masakit sakin pag nagkaron ka na ng iba. Pero sana, yung susunod mo mamahalin, yung mamamahalin ka din ng totoo. Yung taong kakamutan ka sa likod. Yung taong papatulugin ka sa balikat nya. Yung taong iintayin ka makatulog. Yung taong iintayin ka makauwi sa bahay. Yung taong hahalikan yung paa mo (kasi ibig sabihin nun tanggap nya lahat ng parte ng katawan mo). Yung taong kakamutan ka sa kamay. Yung taong hihilutin ulo mo pag sumasakit. Yung taong papangitiin ka pag badtrip ka. Yung taong hahalikan ka pag nagagalit ka, lalambingin ka pag nagtatampo ka. Pero higit sa lahat, hanapin mo yung babaeng seseryosohin ka. Yung di kayang mawala ka sa buhay nya. Yung taong kaya ka panindigan sa pamilya nya (patawad, di ko nagawa to. Pero sana naappreciate mo yung pagpapakilala ko sayo sa kanila. Kasi kahit alam kong ayaw nila, ginawa ko pa din. Sana alam mo yun). Yung taong mamahalin ka ano pa man itsura mo. Yung taong aalagaan ka pag may sakit ka. Yung taong di lang puro papuri sayo. Pero mamahalin ka sa mga di maganda sayo. Yung tanggap ka kung sino at ano ka man. Yung taong aalagaan ka hanggang sa pagtanda mo. Yung taong handang ibigay yung buhay para sayo. At yung taong mamahalin ka ng higit pa sa sarili nya. (R, wag ka na magkakamali pa ulit. Pumili ka na ng tamang babae. Na makakapagpasaya sayo).

Sana lang, marealize mo pagdating ng panahon kung anong klaseng babae ang pinakawalan mo. Dyan ka masaya. Sana nga yan din ang makapagpasaya sayo pagdating ng panahon na nagdatingan na ang problema sayo.

Sana marealize mo, hindi kita iniwan kahit kailan. Sa lahat ng problema mo, nandun ako. At di ako nagsawang samahan ka. Sa mga bagsak bagsak mo lang, oo nagagalit ako. Dahil gusto ko maging maayos ang buhay mo. Pero kahit na inaaway kita, kailan mo naramdamang iniwan kita sa ere? Nandito ako palagi para sayo.

Ang mga kaibigan mo nasasasamahan ka sa saya. Pero nakasama mo na ba sila sa problema? Ang bilis mo sumuko, R. Ang bilis mo sumuko. Mabilis ka nabulag sa sandaling kasiyahang naibibigay nila sa'yo. Nang dahil lang dyan kinakalimutan mo ang higit sa limang taong pinagsamahan natin. Kailan ka lang ba nabarkada? Lagpas isang taon pa lang diba? Pagkagraduate mo, makikita mo kung ano talaga ibig sabihin ng buhay. Sana di ka magsisi. Sa pagpili mo sa kanila. At sa pagiwan mo sakin.

Hanggang ngayon, R, mahal pa din kita. Alam mo yan. Alam mo kung gano karaming luha ang iniyak ko nung huli tayong magkita. Kasi alam kong huli na. Sana, maging masaya ka. Sana napapasaya kita.

Patawarin mo ko, di ko na kayang maging kaibigan ka pa. Masasaktan lang ako hanggang nandyan ka. Iisipin ko na lang, panaginip lang ang lahat. Na napasaya ako habang natutulog. Pero ngayon, gising na ko. Tapos na lahat ng saya. Bagong buhay na tong haharapin ko.

R, may hiling ako sayo. Burahin mo na din ako sa buhay mo. Kunwari na lang hindi tayo nagkakilala. Kung totoo man yung sinasabi mong namimiss mo ako, wag ka na ulit magparamdam pa. Umaasa kasi ako. Sa tuwing nakakatanggap ng kahit ano sayo. Magpapalit na ako ng number. Siguro sa Bagong taon, para talagang bagong buhay na. R, ipagdasal mo ko ha? Kahit ganito ang nangyari satin, sana ipagdasal mo na kayanin ko. R, kung sakaling magkasalubong tayo kung saan man, kunwari na lang di tayo magkakilala ha? Kunwari di mo ko kilala, kunwari di din kita kilala. Yung singsing na lang natin, alaala na lang yan na naging parte ng buhay natin ang isa't isa.

R, advance Merry Christmas. Advance Happy birthday. At maraming maraming Happy Birthday pa sa mga susunod mo pang taon. Sana maging masaya talaga ang Christmas at Birthday mo. Sana matupad lahat ng hiling mo. Sana makagraduate ka sa March. Proud ako sa'yo, kahit di na tayo. Kayang-kaya mo yan. Magtiwala ka lang sa sarili mo. At seryosohin mo ang thesis mo. Sigurado ako, makakaya mo yan. Advance lahat ha, Happy birthday, Merry Christmas at Happy Graduation. At congrats. Alam kong makakapasa ka sa thesis.

Mamimiss ko lahat. Pati bahay at pamilya mo. Mahal ko na din sila kahit di ko naman kaclose. Kahit na umiiyak mga pamangkin mo pag nakikita ako. Mamimiss ko si R, na pinapakita sakin yung laruan nya. Pati si F, na malaki ang tyan. Pati ang tatay at nanay at lola mo na mabait sakin. Pati yung katulong nyo, na lagi ako kinukwentuhan ng tungkol sa inyo. Pati yung ate at kuya mo, at sa inaanak ko. Mamimiss ko lahat. At si Ate Che na lagi mo binubully.

Sa huling pagkakataon, di ako magsasawa na sabihing, mahal pa din kita. Di ko alam kung kakayanin ko pa ulit magmahal ng ganito. Basta R, MAHAL NA MAHAL KITA. Sana alam mo yan. Alam kong alam mo yan. Sinabi ko na sa'yo dati diba, na alam kong totoong may nararamdaman ako. Kasi kahit tulog ka, tinitignan lang kita na natutulog sa balikat ko, nararamdaman ko pa rin na mahal kita, at gusto kita alagaan hanggang sa pagtanda ko.

R, marami ako pangarap sa buhay. At kasama ka dun. Lahat ng plano ko sa buhay, pinlano ko na kasama ka. Kaya ngayon na nawala ka na, parang gumuho lahat. Parang di ko na alam kung pano pa makatayo ulit. Nakakalungkot, kasi sa pagtayo ko ngayon, hindi na ikaw ang makikita ko. Haharapin ko na ang mundo na wala ka na. Sabi mo nga sa text mo dati " Wag mo na ipagpilitan ang sarili mo sa kanya lalo na kung alam mong wala ka na puwang sa buhay nya, aralin mo na lang palawakin ang mundo mo sa paraang wala na sya."

Di din ako nagsisisi na naging tayo. Dahil kahit sobrang sakit man sakin ng nangyari, ikaw naman nagturo sakin magmahal. Ikaw ang nagbigay ng meaning lalo na sa College life ko. Ikaw ang pinakamagandang nangyari sa College Life ko, R. Ikaw ang lagi ko maaalala pag sinabi ang College at pag sinabi ang love.

R, mag-iingat ka palagi. Ikaw pa din ang pinakamagandang nangyari sa buhay ko. Maraming salamat sa'yo at naging espesyal ang ilang taong magkasama tayo. Maraming salamat sa lahat lahat, R. At lagi mo tatandaan. Mahal na mahal kita...