feeling mo naman

kapal mo naman! feeling mo sa'yo yung cam! feelingera ka! para yan lang nagiinarte ka ng ganyan. sa sobrang ka-vain-an mo, nagkakaganyan ka, puro mukha mo na nga ang nakikita ko noh! tandaan mo to! wag kang gaganyan ganyan ngayon, dahil sa pagtanda natin sa oras na mangailangan ka, tignan ko kung sino luluhod satin para humingi ng tulong! lalo na sa ugali mong yan! mukhang wala kang patutunguhan! napakabait mo talaga ate!! sana makita ng mga kaibigan mo kung sino ka talaga! kung ano totoo mong kulay!

here we go again

What is happening? Is love really fading away? I'm quite sure mine isn't. I love you with all my heart and you know it. But what pushes me away is you. You are pushing me away, making me feel that yeah, it's not the way it was before. But do you know why I'm hurting? It is because I still love you. But I don't know you, if you still love me like before. Now you don't have load to text me. And that's fine with you. Unlike before, you can never have spend a single day without texting me. Well then, I considered it forgiven anyway because I'm thinking you have a problem with your school these past few days. Do you remember your promise to me? That after you fixed everything up, we'll go out? And do you even remember that before sembreak came, you said, you're going here in our province and we'll be bonding?

I was the one with you those times that you were down, those times you feel helpless and alone. And now you're back into mood, how is it going? YOU HAVE ALREADY FORGOTTEN ME!! And why? Because you're happy again! YOU are ONLY with me through your BAD TIMES! But you're never with me through your happy times. Now I'm doubting. Do you really love me? Or do you just want someone to be with you when you have no one?

You gotta think about that. And I'm gonna think of sending you away. Yes, I love you. But I'm just not receiving the kind of treatment I wanted to have. I DON'T DESERVE IT!

Oh crap!

hay, yeah. It's really disappointing. The more you expect the more disappointed you get. I did my best but still nothing happened. I can never tell my parents anymore, "hey mom! I am on a dean's list." Never will I. And hate those judgmental people who thinks I have can never have the chance. I feel inferiority. And yes, I think they're right. I can never have the chance. the last time I was there was still 1st year 1st sem. I don't know. I really don't know what to feel. I hate it. :(
I AM SO MUCH DISAPPOINTED!

Happy birthday!

So ok, I'm really not a teenager anymore.. :(
What am I supposed to feel? argh.. uh, I don't know!
I'm happy that once again, I'm entering a new phase in my life, and sad because it seems that I am really growing, and it's time for me to mature, and leave those childish life of mine. I don't know what challenges are ahead. But I hope this time, I'm strong enough to face whatever problems coming on my way. And yes, I'm still encountering problem right now. I'm sad for what is happening to my boy. I feel what he feels right now. I want to support him. I'm never gonna leave him in times like this.
I would like to thank God, for another year I lived. I am 20. I am happy and contented. :)

Is this the end?

I'm really confused. I don't want to leave you in the middle of this problem, the time you feel weakest. But the same time, I want to blame you! For everything that is happening to you right now. How many times have you failed a subject anyway? You failed 5 subjects and yet you still have the guts to not study well!! I really hate you for that. You never think of your future! What kind of person you would want to be? A shameful person? a person that is talked by people around. Someone who spent unusual years studying and still doesn't pass it! I cannot just comfort you and you would still be the same person who has no determination. You should learn from your mistakes! Please!!! Why are you such a person! Why don't you learn from your hundreds pf mistakes! you were given so much chances but you took it for granted! Now, I don't want to think that this is the end. But it is closely impossible for you to continue your studies. You have disappointed so much people. I hope you will change. NOW!

I hope

Yes, well right now I'm still hoping, that everything will just run smoothly, and everything will just fall into place, the way I wanted them to be. Right now, he's changing. And hell yeah, he admitted that he had been that bad. I love him, but still, there's a part of me that's doubting. "Will he be mine forever?" I hope he really is changing, and I hope, the feeling is mutual. I hope he will love me that way I love him. :(

we're back together

Yeah right. It just shows how much I love him and how low I can humiliate myself. I am so soft. Oh gosh. I can't take these. Yeah, right now we're together again. But I just can't help but feel that there is really something wrong. And I can feel that it is never the way it was before. Now, I doubt. Does he really love me still? Or is he just pitying me knowing that I really really do love him. It feels like hell that Sunday evening that we talked. I don't know what to feel that night. I feel like I wanted to get a knife and just end this life. I felt so miserable. I felt helpless. Argh. But everything was ended the night that I slept at their house. We had the time to talk. Uhm, but now? I think those days that I thought everything will run smoothly, they're all gone. Because I can feel that he is with me, but his heart is not mine anymore.. :( and yes, right now we're not in good terms. We had a little fight again. Argh, I really feel that I am tired. I'm tired of being in a relationship. Argh! If I could just end this relationship for me to stop crying and stop hurting. :(
How I wish that I don't have a heart and that I don't know how to love.

HELP! I'm confused!

Oh please! I'm into so much confusion! I can't help even myself. I cried again. It really hurts a lot hearing those words from you. There's a possibility for you to fall in love with her. And hell yeah, I know you like her. You know, it really hurts. And I just can't put my feelings into words. You'll never feel the hell I'm feeling right now. Oh God I'm so hurt. I never have cried a river like that before. And now, look at my eyes they are so swollen. I really don't know what to feel now. The time we saw each other, the hugs you gave me were still as warm as it was before. I thought the passion is still there. But now, I really don't know, after telling me that there is possibility, I don't know where to stand. I felt that my fight for you is not worth fighting anymore. Because I don't know, maybe because I'm afraid to get hurt in the end, that she still won your heart.
Hello? can't you see? She's flirting with you. How come she chose you from the rest of her friends to share fun conversations with at 1611. She's texting you. And I don't think it's normal. It's not being friendly. And if she really wants us to be together, she won't do something like that. I know her intentions are not pure. I know it. And if you don't stop entertaining her, you would end up falling in love with her. And us? It's really the end of our relationship. I can't believe that the promises you once uttered will just slowly be torn just like that. And because of that bitch! Yes, now I see her as BITCH! bitch bitch bitch!
I am really bothered by what you said, that if only you are not afraid to hurt my feelings, it would be easier for you to make decisions. And why? that is my question. Is that because, you want to choose her and it's just that you're afraid that you might hurt me?

21 days left

Well yeah, three more weeks to go. Whoa. That's really long time huh. But I hope after that day, we will be happier than ever. I hope everything will change. I know now that you still love me. But I don't know, I just have this strange feeling that I will get hurt again. Arrgh. I hope I'm not feeling it right. I love you, lehew. Please show me you love me too. And please, I want to feel special. I want to feel different from the other girls you know. I'm not just your ordinary girl right? :(

waiting

right here waiting
that is my favorite song.. but what I didn't know is that i will be repeating those words again and again today. I thought it is going to be easy to forget you. But what I do not know is that the more I force myself, the more I get hurt. Yes, I am really hurt. You said you love me, but not the way as it is before. I am really hurt and especially when I learned that you are open to the possibility to fall in love with "ces". So okay, today almost whole day we are talking. And because of the things we talked about and the situation we are in today, I have come up with a decision. And that is to wait for one month. One long month. It may seem to be just a little time, but I think, 1 long month may end the love we have today. I love you. I told you that. And I know, the way you answer me, you are not feeling the same way. I wish sooner, I'll become happy too, like you are now. By the way I see how you answer and the way you talk, your answer is 50% 50%.. 50% is what is only left for me.. and the other 50% is with "ces". As of now, I don't see any light. And I don't think you will be choosing me. I really hope you do and we end up happy and together FOREVER. But that vision seems to be paler and paler. I think, YOU ARE FALLING IN LOVE WITH CES. It hurts, it really hurts. And God knows how hard I cry. Every time I think of it. You may not be my boo anymore after this month. But always remember, you are always here in my heart. And the memories you left are just uneasy to be forgotten. I love you. But I hope, my prince charming will also come and rescue me from this trouble I am in. I don't know who that prince Charming is. But I hope it's you. I hope you will come and save me.. :(
Lord, please help me. You know I am miserable right now. Your will be done. If he's not meant for me, please Lord, please let me forget him as soon as possible. I can't bear the pain I am having right now.. :( please!

Short Notice Trip to Bataan

Well, this is a very tiring day. I don't know how much time did we spend while traveling from Bulacan to Bataan. What I just did was to sleep and sleep because I easily get dizzy. And then we had the tour to corregidor, arrgh, we didn't escape the fierce sun. It was very hot, and I even got a sunburn. But anyway, the tour was good and everybody had a day of fun and a day of learning as well. We even had a boat ride from Bataan to Corregidor Island. Whoa, that was my first time to ride in such boat. It all went good but I just got nervous when we stopped at the middle of the sea. I thought we're just gonna be a piece of crap for the rest of our lives and die there. haha! funny. But seriously, it's really kinda scary. On our ride back to Bataan, the waves seemed to get larger, that was really scary, but the man who owns the boat said that it is just the normal. Naah, I think he just wanted us not to act hysterically. tsk tsk!
Waah, I had a picture pala, that my eyes seemingly just came from a cry. I hope nobody noticed it. haay..

Hello there. This is my first time to write here and actually this is my first blog ever. Well I guess what pushed me to do this is the hurt I have inside. 1 year and 3 months is not a joke. I can say that those times may be the happiest days of my life. I felt loved. And that's the first time in my life I knew I was in love.
Ughhh.. writing the statements above makes me cry. Why? because I think those days of happiness are over. Those times I was with you, I know that there were a lot of changes in my life. I'm not the childish girl I used to be. And that's all because of you. I learned a lot from you and how to handle relationship. Slowly, I learned and accepted that no relationship is perfect and so do I accepted our relationship's imperfection. However there are some things that are really unbearable.
I love you so much and I know you know that I do, I really do. But hey, you have to be insensitive. You know I'm a girl, I might have said that receiving flowers is baduy but you know, I never experienced that in all those years we've been together. Haay. I'm just wondering, how does it feel kaya? hay. That's actually not the point. What I just wanted you to do is make me feel that I am special, that I am different from the other girls you know. Sometimes, I envy my friends because their bf's are kinda baduy. hey, hear me. I wanted you to be like that too.. kahit konti lang.. kahit minsan lang.. :(
Would you actually believe that he never asked me on a date all those times we've been together? But don't get him wrong. I appreciate him anyway for the person he is. I know that he never cheated on me. He's always the quiet type of person who accepted me for being a nagger. My friends liked him. They say he seemed to be nice and quiet, like I was the more boyish one in our relationship. Haaayy.. So back to what I said, yes, he never asked me on a date before. Nope, I'm not a material girl. Actually, I love it when we stay at our dorm up until 10pm? Yes, he usually stayed until those late evenings just to be with me. But that's all, I just wanted to go out, so we can have more quality time together and for us to enjoy our youth also. I don't wish him to treat me always. I have a money of my own. Ok lang naman kung kkb. It doesn't matter to me anyway. What I just wanted is to have quality time with him. And hello? I feel different. I have never experienced dating with my boyfriend. haay.. :(
You know, we had a little fight just a simple misunderstanding. June 1, that was the date. I waited for him. I waited for him to accept his mistakes and humbly come to me. But he never did. He always thinks I'm the one always wrong. He never admitted his mistakes. Never. And you know what made me cry for almost 3 hours? When he mistakenly sent his text message to me who was supposed to be for "ses". I know that girl. That girl is his friend he knew from his P.E. class. He told me she is pretty. Needless to say, I know she is attractive and I know that he is attracted to her. He may not have the romantic feelings for her but still, as a girlfriend, I feel jealous to her whom is attractive. I admit I'm not pretty, I just pretend that I am, for me not to feel inferiority. But I know, compare to "ses" I'm nothing. I know. I admit it. Well, back to the issue, I received the text that he was supposed to send to "ses". I was hurt a lot.. I cried a lot. I hardly can sleep that night. It feels like hell. Actually, the text only said, "ses,this is ____ I don't have enough load to text you" That's it. But I felt a strong jealousy with that text. It was 12pm when I received the text. And I know him, he usually sleeps early. And he would never waste a single time of him to text someone not worth his time. But ses? he texted her late that night. Imagine, he stayed up late because they are texting? And I know it's not normal for him to do that so for a girl. That is when I felt that she must be someone special for him.. *tears* haaay.. while writing that sentence, the tears can't help but pour. That made me realize that I'm not the girl he loves anymore. He said that she is no special. I don't know, but I just feel that there is something special. I guess soon, it will be more noticeable.
Hay.. I wish, if ever that time comes, I have already moved on. So that I won't feel the hurt anymore. But I know I can't. I can hardly move on. He is my first love. And I don't easily fall in love. At my age of 19, he is my first boyfriend.
Hey you, I LOVE YOU more than what you think. But I just have to let you go.
Good luck.. :(