we're back together

Yeah right. It just shows how much I love him and how low I can humiliate myself. I am so soft. Oh gosh. I can't take these. Yeah, right now we're together again. But I just can't help but feel that there is really something wrong. And I can feel that it is never the way it was before. Now, I doubt. Does he really love me still? Or is he just pitying me knowing that I really really do love him. It feels like hell that Sunday evening that we talked. I don't know what to feel that night. I feel like I wanted to get a knife and just end this life. I felt so miserable. I felt helpless. Argh. But everything was ended the night that I slept at their house. We had the time to talk. Uhm, but now? I think those days that I thought everything will run smoothly, they're all gone. Because I can feel that he is with me, but his heart is not mine anymore.. :( and yes, right now we're not in good terms. We had a little fight again. Argh, I really feel that I am tired. I'm tired of being in a relationship. Argh! If I could just end this relationship for me to stop crying and stop hurting. :(
How I wish that I don't have a heart and that I don't know how to love.